profile

it scared me how close i was to losing you and how finite it was and how if you'd not presented your case so well, that would possibly have been the last time we'll talk (ever). recounting that phone conversation we had, my heart ached thinking of what you said. it scares me how much i've changed, and how it's affecting this relationship. a part of me wants to do everything i can to make things better. but a part of me holds onto the belief that if i have to do things on purpose, then that's no point - and that's what you say too... dont force myself to do anything i dont want to. (but this comes at a price, and that is putting a strain on our relationship). i hugged your pillow so close to me tonight, carrying it everywhere i went - out to the living room for tv, and how i'm hugging it really tightly now. it's the only thing that connects me to you, where i can feel a part of you still here with me. i'm such a contradiction - i say i want to be single and alone and yet i crave companionship (the kind i know i need, i can shop by myself that's really fine). it's 4.30 and i'm supposed to be up in 2 hours, but the coffee's getting to me and i cant get to sleep. the room's in a big mess and i feel like throwing EVERYTHING away - all the books i've kept since secondary school just because they are living proof that i DID put in that hard work and (sometimes) insanity into mugging. i want to clean up my life, lose weight, be more confident, love myself more - maybe in the end, it's just self-worth issues... like i've been dealing with them all my life anyway. maybe i dont love you as much anymore... what's changed you ask me? i dont know. coming back to singapore and facing reality, maybe. you say i've been there everyday in the last 8 months... did you say 8 months? already? wow. and it passed without me realising it... without me making a mental note to say something special to you or make you feel happy (i've been pissing you off lately i know). you say you'll never hate me and will always love me, and you proved that just now on the phone. how can anyone love me with what i'm doing to them? to myself? it's beyond me. maybe sometimes i think you and i, will never be together..., and you say take one day at a time. but i have to think about the future. what's going to happen in 5 years if we dont think about it now? how do you know ANYONE's the right ONE? mum says it's a calculated gamble. i think staying single is safer. just... safer - at least you have an assurance you wont leave yourself, or that you'll (hopefully) love yourself forever. and so i think i'll be stuck thinking about this for a while this week. i wanted to start afresh somehow (in some way), but you. it's impossible for me to ignore you or to disregard ANYTHING you say. it's not your fault, no one can blame you for what happened, but at the same time someone has to take responsibility. it's tiring. i'm tired. this has been a long day (and night). and i've not felt this intensely about anything for a while now. there was something different, something finite about the way i said what i want to say today. there was also something different in how you said what you wanted to say today too. we were both presenting our own cases and in that i hope we found some answers to what we were trying to get across. it was a declaration of our feelings, yet how much do we really say? how much did I really say? let's not do this again for our tears are but solitary signals that this (the relationship) means more that what we think it means, to both of us (yes, i think, to both of us).

@ 12:24 PM

tagboard