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faith, my dear. have some faith.

@ 10:43 AM

the year started off on a terrible note - if i'm not wrong, paul david-lee lavalley made me cry. even though he was 8000 miles away, he was still capable of eliciting that kind of reaction from just one sms. and so all i remember from that night was how i was crying beside yin and how kong angrily texted him back and told him to fuck off. :)

the next morning, i woke up and decided to go "look for myself". i ended up at the very unexpected crowded starbucks at one fullerton and started writing. i remember being relatively happy about myself that day.

fast forward to what daddy said to me a week into the new year. by this time, i had become withdrawn and i just wanted to talk to myself and no one else. daddy gave me a friendly reminder that this was not how a family should function. that was enough reminder i guess to remind me... that i should try not to neglect them and include them in my life. a hard thing to do because of the current situation - i am jobless. and i feel like a failure - i feel like i've been screwed over by zebra crossing - that i have put my heart, soul and love into it for 16 months and what i get is a slap in the face when the directors decide to split and they cant make up their minds what to do. i really feel that way even though i didnt lose money in the venture, simply because i put 200% into that company - dont blame me for the bitterness. i love the people and i loved the work, and i would probably do it again - i just wished it didnt end this way. i'm really lucky to have learnt so much in that 16 months... maybe life was not meant to be perfect in that way. like jer says - everything is a learning experience. i should be content, at least after pouring all my anger out here, i think i will be.

the job search has been... a rollercoaster ride. Officially, i started sending out resumes only on Wed. I'm thankful there have been some interest though i'm really keeping my fingers crossed and taking a very conservative and no-expectations expectation with these jobs. i'm scared of failing - and possibly disappointing the people who care about me. that's why i very seldom tell people of my plans until they are finalized, that way, i dont have to be worried about them worrying about me. it really feels terrible to be on a high on wed cos i had a couple of companies/agencies call, then to be on a low over the weekend cos (of course) no one responded to anything. it's really a rollercoaster ride... and i am really afraid of failing :S

especially when daddy was sweet enough to figure out a way to buy me the iphone and deliver it to my room on a night i was out late. i love my family. i never ever want to shut them out of my life, but i dont want them to see my failures. they are the people i care about the most and they deserve the best for me, not the worrying and uncertainties. :(

i dont know why this name still appears but i have been thinking about it more and more. i think the more i try to push him away, the more i notice things about him that i've never seen in the past. how it must have been so difficult for him to survive when he was looking for a job, how he must have felt so alone and how all i could do was to be on the phone to listen to him, not being able to maybe give him a hug when he needed it the more. maybe all these have made him a stronger person. he seems more positive and focused now, which is a really nice change. so many things i feel i can learn from him now - especially when he's recently bought a new truck and a new tv! haha :) it's really comforting to know he's still there for me. it's just like his green pillow - it moulds itself to fit my body shape, just like what i think he's slowly doing now. he's trying to keep his distance, yet appear at important moments like today, reassuring me about the interview and all.

i think i'm blessed, only because i have these wonderful people around me.
i should really work harder and get what i deserve for myself so that i can provide for these important people.

faith, my dear. faith.

@ 10:26 AM

my room is a constant work-in-progress and after 2 weekends, i think it's about 60% done. Threw out many things and re-read many of the cards and notes over the years. Can't help but wonder "what would have been" - but that's just me being an emo-prick. life will be interesting this year... it has already been an exciting first week so far. I always knew it wont be so easy - not like the change in numbers 2009 will automatically signal an instant change in my life so i guess we'll have to slowly work at it.

"I am sick of four walls and a ceiling. I have a need of the sky. I have business with the grass" - Richard Hovey

@ 2:00 PM

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